Thursday, February 11, 2010
Posted by Natalie's Mission at 11:48 PM
You know what I hate most is that I actually ENVY anorexics. I envy their self discipline.... I am both anorexic, and bulimic. But I do happen to fall under the bulimic category more often.
Sometimes I really do regret that I learned such an easy way to get rid of the "unwanted" food I had consumed. When I'm tempted with a dessert there is always that little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of this "skill" I have. Almost telling me that its alright to let go just this once because unlike most girls I can go and get rid of it after. And ladies the extra sucky part is when I force myself to vomit my stomach acid doesn't actually come up with the food, only the food is projecting out. I had been going through a particularly bad episode vomiting almost everyday for 3 months and I had to go visit the dentist for a routine check up. Trust me on the ride there I was thinking of every excuse I could say to why my tooth enamel was so worn down. But when I got in that dentist chair instead I heard rave reviews on how well I was taking care of my teeth (believe me I was shocked, I don't even floss!)
Therefore I feel like I just am stuck at this weight unable to actually lose because I can't just restrict and diet, I'm always falling prey to that little bulimic voice in that back of my mind.
My body woes: First off to give you an idea....
When I was younger I had a mom who was never really a "healthy" eater, so when I started gaining weight I didn't have a mom there telling me that maybe I should start exercising or maybe even dieting. So I kept gaining, and gaining, the weirdest self denial EVER, how I did not know how big I had gotten... I do not know.
I was 5'4 and weighed 179 pounds...
in my freshman college I lost a little more and actually felt thinner.... 5'4 and 158 pounds
Sophomore year I made the dance company... 150-155 pounds
Spring Break of 08'.... 146 pounds
then right before the holidays of 2009..... 5'5 and 130 pounds
I have gained 6 pounds because of binging/purging during the holiday season (thanksgiving, christmas, New Years)
ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT: 110
Posted by Natalie's Mission at 9:00 PM